There are times when I don’t think I can feel joy.
There are times that I feel things I don’t want to or know how to deal with.
There are moments when I am so crippled by a bad feeling, that it sweeps my emotional legs from beneath me, and I’m simply stuck in it. Emotionally. Sad, or mad, or hurt and stuck there.
There are days that begin badly and ones that end that way. Sometimes it is out of my control. Sometimes I am the reason.
There are times when I go through the promised motions of a day, willing myself to be present and fun. Reminding myself to smile and use inflection in my voice.
There are never days I don’t handle it.
There are never days that I quit.
There are never days that I don’t get through, but some are better than others.
Not figuring it out isn’t an option.
Without exception, I can find something beautiful in every day. Sometimes I have to look for it. Sometimes it whispers to me.
Like everyone, my ability to see the beauty and become “unstuck” varies. Joy doesn’t always feel possible, deserved or welcome. It’s this in between time that we have the opportunity to show who we are. Do we quit? Do we behave badly? Do we listen to the whispers of joy that life is trying to show us?
Sometimes it is the sunrise, the waves, or the sunset. There are days that it is the sound of rain or wind. Sometimes it is the sleepy smile or smell of someone I love.
It’s usually my girls that bring the magic. They usually silently whisper something beautiful-or help the world send me a message when I need it.
My Daughters save me silently everyday, because I need to be everything to them. I’m not. But I try like hell, like its my job, because it’s my job.
I need to be strong but not cruel. Stern but empathetic and compassionate. Rest but don’t be lazy. Work but don’t forget to live. Love and be loved. Keep someone in your life if they bring value-let them go if they don’t. Try really hard, accept what you’re not good at and never stop searching for things you are good at. Read. Don’t depend on other people…financially or for happiness. Be tender and gentle. Set boundaries. Have goals. Make wishes. Be ugly. Cry, but recover. Have self respect, but don’t only care what you looked like. Be kind but not weak. Say what you mean, not what people need to hear. If you mean something someone needs to hear, always say it. Be good. If you’re bad, recover. Make mistakes. Take risks. Be consistent. Always ask how you could be a good friend, and be there when you are needed. Be loyal but know when it’s okay to let go.
I don’t always to a good job. But I’m always trying. And, that…is how they save me. And, they never know it.
Today, it was this moment. A reminder that everything appears dark when the sun is at its back. An absolutely beautiful child feeling proud, having fun, allowing me to witness it, and looking to me for validation of her awesomeness.