When Loving Feels Like Leaving

 
Walking away from a relationship is easy. You call it disassociation, I call it goodbye. Just fucking do it. 
I’m not heartless or thoughtless, and I don’t make decisions without thinking about them. I also never throw people away. I give a lot, and I’m understanding. But when it comes to my heart, I can walk to protect it. It’s not a toy and it doesn’t have room for negativity.

I don’t dick around indecisively, wondering whether or not he’ll say something to undo the hurt, apologize, or come to his senses. I don’t think about settling for less than I deserve, and I certainly don’t wonder whether or not he’s capable of change, or if I could be happy with the hurtful version of him.  I lick the wound and move on.

I recently found myself in a relationship with my absolute soul mate. Without any doubt, I love this man enough to take a life for him, or to give a life to him. But love isn’t always enough. Sometimes loving is leaving.

I realized very quickly and far too late that he didn’t love me as unconditionally, and I knew he stopped loving only me. I also knew that staying with him would be giving up on what I know I deserve, even though I’d invested so much. While it sounds dreamy and magical to find your soul mate, if he makes you compromise who you are, it’s not worth the Stardust.

I knew in my heart he didn’t want what he promised with me, and I knew that ending our relationship meant ending a 27 year friendship. I gave him the fight he wanted and the out he was looking for. I wasn’t what he wanted. He stopped being what I needed, and frankly what I fucking deserve. He stopped bringing love into my life, and his demons were replacing his affection and attention.

I’m not the kind of woman to sit around ethereally wondering how I can make someone love me, like me, appreciate me, or be what I need.  I love love, and I love to show it and say it. I know what love feels like. I know what love doesn’t feel like too. Intimately. So, when a relationship becomes unhealthy it is time to go.

Is it painful?

Of course!

Does it hurt?

Immensely.

But you know what hurts more? Losing myself in someone else’s dreams that don’t include me. Forgetting what I need in an effort to give someone else what he wants . Not being true or loving myself. I’m not willing to be hurt that way.

In is in. Out is out. There’s no halfway with me. Loyalty and honor among thieves, and I’m looking for someone to steal my heart.

I shut off emotionally long before I ever leave. Leaving can be loving. I leave mentally long before I leave physically. Like an athlete who visualizes successful execution, I’ve already imagined every exit. There’s no fretting or whining and until recently, no crying. There is very little untangling to do. I never go to a place where I depend on anyone. There are no big complications except maybe replacing some things that were blended and lost, and less expensive trips to the grocery store. No combined finances, loans or debt. Most men are happy to poke fun at how controlling I am but not one has ever once said “Please, let me take care of that for you” and done it. I’m not a man-hater, I love men. I want one. Sometimes I want three. (But really just one mind reader with three very different personalities that I can choose from like chocolates.)

If receiving love comes with conditions, it’s not enough. If trust is rewarded with disappointment, it’s a painful lesson, but quite enough. If he leaves hurt more than he brings love, he is not worth the Stardust.

It doesn’t take a cold heart to leave, it takes a full heart. It’s as simple as pulling up the covers when you need to feel warm, and not getting up just because it’s time.

I left him because I love him. Loving him meant leaving him. Loving ME meant leaving him.

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