For most well adjusted people, Facebook is a great place to stay in touch with schoolmates, coworkers, friends and family. We scroll through Facebook on lunch breaks, in traffic, or while waiting in line at Starbucks. (Some of you fucks apparently don’t have a job, or you’ve made updating Facebook part of your job.) We want to see what’s up, and break the monotony of the day up with some news, a chuckle, traffic updates, or schedule of events. Let’s face it, If there’s a pandemic or terrorist attack, Facebook users will be the first to know. We want to read about your band, fundraisers, ridiculous e-cards, bar crawls, or fitness classes. (Okay, not the last one, unless you fell in the class and someone took a picture.) For the most part, people use good sense. Sometimes, there’s some dumb shit, though. Here are 10 personal recommendations:
#1. Don’t have an identity crisis. I get it, they’re your life. But…you are not your kid. Are you having an identity crisis? Are you trying to confuse the rest of us? Why are you using your kid’s photo as your profile picture? Tell your toddler to get his own Facebook account. We love to see pictures of you and your kids doing fun stuff. We even enjoy reading stories and seeing pictures of their graduation, your trip to Disney, or the newborn photos. However, making your kid’s picture your profile picture because you can’t find one of your damn self is annoying. Stop it. It’s confusing and fucks me up when I see posts or comments. I want to see your face!
#2. Don’t confuse Facebook with your favorite porn site. Guys, when you “like” posts of half naked women posted by a group called something with “Big Boobs” in the title…you’re sort of an idiot. Everyone sees it, dumb-ass. Fix your damn privacy settings. You look like a basement dwelling hormonal 15-year old-boy. We went to high school together, I really don’t want to share in your love of big boobs. It makes me not like you a little. Not because you like big boobs, boobs are great, and I love them too. It’s because you look dumb and immature. Stop it.
#3. The status update option is not for your vagina. Ladies, ladies, ladies…you’re having a baby! Awesome! I’m super happy for you. Bringing a baby into the world is amazing. What’s not amazing is you “checking in” at the Ob/Gyn office every week and telling us what they’re doing to you. Every female here has had an internal exam. We know what’s involved. We want to experience that once a year. Just once. Announce your pregnancy, show us pictures of your growing baby belly, and tell us when she’s arrived. Facebook is not the place to invite others on the “What’s Happening to My Cervix” journey. If you want to share the evolution of the cervix through pregnancy, please start a blog. I’ll follow it…if you promise to post pictures. Your junior high friends thank you, in advance, for keeping your vagina, and your cervix, to yourself. Excellent.
#4. Respect the English language. Don’t write “of coarse” or “I seen it”. Ever. Merriam Webster is your friend.
#5. Don’t take pictures of yourself in a mirror. Who does that? Are you 11? Knock it off unless it’s fucking Halloween.
#6. Don’t rant about your ex. It’s tacky. So are the people who comment, encouraging you to continue the conversation and stroke your ego. (Remember, above, how I said “most well adjusted people”? Well, these people are not. Neither are you.) You obviously either have some shit to deal with…or you want to announce you’re single and back on the market. If it’s the latter, whoo hoo! Join Match.com. If you really need people to tell you what a great guy you were for taking your daughter to Jared to buy the ex a Mother’s Day gift, you need more than Facebook can offer. Oh, and by the way…your ex would have been happier with a hand made card and a wad of construction paper and glue. YOU’RE the only one who cares how much you spent.
#7. Don’t write messages to dead people…or God. Unless you really believe dead people read Facebook, in which case we probably shouldn’t be friends.). If you believe in God, I’m sure there’s a special place in Hell for people who skip mass for Facebook status updates.
#8. Don’t invite me to play games. I have a job. That is all.
#9. Be a good friend. Summer is near. Don’t tag me in a picture if I’m wearing my bathing suit. That makes you an ass-hole. I’m approaching 40. That shit’s just mean. In fact, ask my permission before you even post it. Bonus points if you Photoshop that bad boy or crop my fat ass out! This one probably applies to any woman, and gets you a throat punch if you don’t. You’ve been warned.
#10. Don’t be shady. Cryptic status updates like “I’m so annoyed!”, “I can’t believe this!” or “Worst day ever!” Are only helpful if you tell us why. Tell us why, damn it! We feel left out. However, If it’s the “worst day ever”, because you previously posted about an Ob/Gyn exam, please feel free to skip the explanation. We wish you well.
Happy posting, people! And, remember, I’d rather hear about what your daughter said while you were sitting on the toilet, over a picture of your way-too-neat family in your way-too-clean house anyday!